Note from the Author

As a child, I always loved reading and knew one day I wanted to write a book. Initially, I thought I should write about women in leadership-- a project I hoped would inspire other women and look impressive on my resume.

Chronic is not that book, because a different story kept calling to me, try as I might to ignore it.

My own.

This is the book I needed to write even though I felt terrified to share such personal details, in print, that people might actually read. For years I carried a secret. Despite how confident and together I looked on the outside, on the inside I often felt afraid and angry as I struggled to accept what it meant to live with an invisible disease that no amount of perceived “togetherness” would cure.

The word chronic is often associated with long-term, negative things like illness and pain. (Although, I’ve often wondered why we don’t use the term to describe positive things like love and wellness.) Autoimmune diseases typically fall into the negative chronic category.

According to the National Institutes of Health, an autoimmune disease is a condition in which the immune system mistakenly attacks the body, creating inflammation and disease. There are an estimated one hundred different types and roughly 80 percent of people with an autoimmune disease in the US are women. I am one of those women with one of those autoimmune diseases called Crohn’s and this is my story.

Chronic is the book I wish would have existed when I was a teenager struggling to process and accept my diagnosis, and later as a young wife, mother, and professional with a chronic illness. For years, I did not understand the emotional impact the term “chronic” had on me and I carried so much guilt for feeling anything other than grateful. I thought my disease was something I could simply run away from, sweep under the rug, fight against, or achieve my way out of.

Spoiler alert: none of those things worked. By pushing against my body and all of the emotional and mental struggles that accompany living with Crohn’s disease, I was denying and fighting against myself and, most importantly, my spirit. Which was no way to live the wholehearted life I wanted.

Crohn’s disease can be a tough one, especially for women living in a society that expects them to be pretty, neat, and appeasing at all times. “Ladylike” is a term I heard a lot growing up. Guess what is not particularly ladylike? Pretty much all the main symptoms of Crohn’s disease! After all, women aren’t supposed to be gassy, have diarrhea, or shit themselves in the middle of the workday. And heaven forbid we actually talk about such things out loud! We’re also not supposed to be too emotional (especially not angry) or too demanding about what we need.

Many of us were taught to smile, be grateful, and make everyone else feel all comfy cozy at the expense of our own comfort and well-being. The problem with these types of expectations is that they are lies that create shame, loneliness, and rage that eventually turn women against themselves and their potential. In my experience, these lies lead to one of two places...an eventual brick wall we run straight into going one hundred miles per hour, or worse, a nagging feeling we are meant for more, but too afraid to show up for fear of being truly seen.

Like anyone else, I made mistakes and decisions of which I’m not proud. I made an enemy of my body and took it for granted for years. I refused to listen to or trust myself even when a small voice inside was begging me to. And I lived in a perpetual state of fight or flight until I learned another way.

It wasn’t until my body waved the white flag and started shutting down that I realized I had to make a decision: I could continue on the path of denial and destruction, or I could learn to accept, love, and listen to my body in order to become the woman I was meant to be. The good news is, as Glinda said in The Wizard of Oz, I had the power all along. And so do you.

My hope for this book is to help other women who are living with any kind of chronic condition feel less alone and more validated. I want to create a space for you, the reader, to reflect on everything you’ve been through. The good, the bad, the embarrassing, whatever. That’s why I’ve included journal prompts at the end of each section in this book. I hope you will take the time to write and reflect as you discover new things about yourself and your experiences.

I also hope that this book serves as a tool to help all women feel empowered to grieve, feel, ask for help, tell the truth, and advocate for and take care of their bodies and spirits. This is not a story about overcoming a monster or slaying a dragon because that would only result in fighting against ourselves. (And something tells me if you’re reading this book and have a chronic issue, you’ve done enough of that already.) This is a story about befriending ourselves—especially the parts that scare us or are what others might consider broken or different.

As it turns out, I not only needed to write this book for myself, but also for other women who might be struggling. There is power in sharing our stories, however messy, raw, and “un-resume-worthy” they might be. Ultimately, this is a book for anyone who has ever struggled with self-acceptance in whatever form that may take. For me, it is Crohn’s disease—for you, it might be a different autoimmune disease, addiction, or a physical disability. Here’s what I know for sure—we all carry something, and my hope is this book will help lighten your load just a little.

Chronically yours,

Christine